Someone who was not me emptied the dishwasher, because they didn’t know where this fork went. Only I know where it goes, because this is MY KITCHEN. All the rest of you suckers are just passing through.

Mom

mom: the yucca plant has a penis.

dad: oh, I'm gonna go out there and bond with it.

mom: just don't bend over with your back to it.

me: dad you're wearing purple

dad: yeah 'cause purple's fancy.

me: why are you dressed fancy?

dad: 'cause I'm going out on my motor-scooter.

me: ...why are you dressed fancy to ride your motorcycle

dad: 'cause I'm trying to pick up chicks.

mom: I'm not so I'm just wearing jeans

Dad (to my autistic brother): sometimes I feel like a retard.

Brother: ...well.

“The man in the white coveralls, his job was to attach the trailer. The lady in the orange blazer, her job was to stand there and bitch.”

shitmymothersays

Mom: we can go up to carl's jr if you want.

Me: carl's jr? Really?

Mom: fuck, I meant burger king. Whatever that place is.

Me: you're gonna drive the whole fuckin way an hour up there?

Mom: I'M TIRED, GOD DAMMIT. ...but at least I look good.

Dad

Dad: I'm gonna have a sip-eroni.

Me: Is that a pizza topping?

Dad: Yes.

Me: What's it made from?

Dad: Spittle.

Me: Oh, I know a guy who served that on a coffee once.

Mom: Spittle?

Me: Yeah, he was dealing with a particularly crabastic customer.

Me: I wanna know why the kid has an English accent, but as a grown-up, he had an American accent.

Eddie: Because the child actor hadn't finished puberty yet.

Me: ...so when you hit puberty, you gain an American accent?

Eddie: Yeah. And red hair.

Me: Oh, okay.

Eddie: It's what I was told, anyway. What I was always taught.

Eddie

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